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Perfectionism, Rewired.

Perfectionism, Rewired.

In my quest to write a perfect blog, while procrastinating with a slight fear of failing before I even get started, I will review with you a couple of ways to look at perfectionism. And perhaps through exploring those with you, I can help you and me identify some things we can both do to address that BIGG or little piece in each of us that may tend to be a perfectionist.  

The first definition of PERFECTIONIST I looked up is a person who refuses any standard short of perfection. Other definitions linked it to a personality trait or type that strives for flawlessness and setting up high standards, accompanied by being overly critical of themselves and others. There is a connection between perfectionism and a fear of failure, and a need to be accepted.    

I believe one can have high standards without some of the other things that go along with being a perfectionist. Once you have the emotional intelligence to recognize that you have some of the traits or qualities of being a perfectionist, you can work on addressing them for your own good, and the good of people around you, if you choose.  

Many of you know that as a trainer and coach, I am a huge advocate of Gallup’s strengths-based leadership research.  I love the idea that we need to focus on what’s right with people, rather than what is going wrong. This helps me manage perfection.  In looking over Gallup’s 34 top leadership strengths’ “basements,” I found one that has “perfectionism,” and that is the strength called MAXIMIZER. Things like “never good enough” and “always reworking” and “picky” are part of the basement that can happen when you overuse it.  It’s a strength I have that can make me a good coach. One that focuses on mastery, success, excellence, and working with the best. One that couples with my value that everyone can do their best, and everyone’s best can be different and EVERY kind and brand of excellence can be valued and rewarded. I believe people are perfect, not imperfect, just as they are.    

As a coach, how I manage to keep from falling in the basement of “perfectionism” is that I believe in people and think they know how to solve their issues and move forward in their lives. Sometimes it just takes someone believing in them to help them do it. It’s not my job to tell them what they need to do, nor fix them. I honor and applaud their excellence.  

Brene Brown, a well-known research professor, social worker, and five-time #1 New York Times best selling author, would suggest that PERFECTIONISM is a function of shame. Her definition is that perfectionism is a self-destructive belief system that fuels this primary thought – that if I look perfect or do everything perfectly, I avoid or minimize the painful feeling of blame, judgment, and shame.  

It’s destructive because PERFECTION is an unattainable goal.  

It’s getting sucked into proving I could do something versus PAUSING and stepping back and asking if I should do this, or if I want to do this. 

 

I LOVE PAUSING.  

Since my mother’s passing, I have worked a lot on emotional courage – to lean into and feel and identify the emotions I am experiencing, not judge them, but to sit with them and understand them, and explore if other choices could better serve me at some point. What’s the emotion that is behind this feeling of perfection? Am I feeling blame, judgment, or shame? What can I choose to do with it? How can I have a conversation with those I work with or someone who has dropped the ball without blaming, but just to talk about what happened so we can fix it and move on?

 

MOVE ON. LET IT GO.

How can we wade into our discomfort and vulnerability and tell the truth about our own stories, those real stories, those that we are not making up?  Some of the other things that we can do that Brene and I and others may recommend addressing those areas of perfection that don’t serve us include:  

*Say NO, not with an excuse, not with an explanation, just say NO. Set boundaries.

*Talk to ourselves like we would with someone we love. You are human. I am human. We all make mistakes. 

As a leader, I would recommend that you HAVE to make mistakes and be vulnerable in front of other people, especially those you supervise so that they know that they can make mistakes too.  

 

REACH OUT

  • Connect with someone who can respond with empathy and talk to them. Brene Brown suggests that shame cannot survive being spoken. Speak.  
  • Ask for help. Ask for your supervisor to help you prioritize. Quit picking up more work to do because no one else is. Hold people accountable. Give clear and honest feedback to them promptly.   
  • Catch people doing things right- celebrate victories and little or big WINS. Focus on gratitude. THANK people more.  
  • Ask for FEEDBACK from others…and don’t get defensive when you get it. Listen to it. Act on it.  

And my favorite:

  • Be a BADASS and don’t care what people think. Start “settling” a little bit more. Clarifying expectations is important, but you may need to lower expectations and standards …just because you can…and your expectations are not always reasonable or worth it.  

According to Brene Brown, Perfection is the furthest thing from badassery.    

3 Quick Tips to Start Practicing Self-Love Now!

3 Quick Tips to Start Practicing Self-Love Now!

Self-love is about being more committed to your happiness than to your suffering in every single moment.”- Nitika Chopra

 

 

We all know that love is the main topic of discussion in February. Everywhere we turn we see hearts, candy, and cards reminding us to honor our loved ones with a token of appreciation, which is a lovely sentiment.  While you’re contemplating the perfect way to tell someone else how much you care,  don’t forget to tune into your own heart. Here are a few ways you can carve out moments of love for yourself:

Wake with a grateful heart.

 

Before your feet even touch the floor, take a moment to acknowledge what you are grateful for such as your health, your bed, etc.

Start your morning with an affirmation.

 

When sipping your coffee or washing your face try saying to yourself something like, “I am loved,” or ” Today I am capable of so much.”

Nourish your mind + body.

 

At lunchtime, fill up your water bottle and put on your favorite calming playlist or podcast. Take this moment to recharge and center yourself.

 

Looking for more opportunities to practice self-love?

 

Check out our podcast, Second Sip, which is a continuation of our wise-women conversations at MBA.

You may also enjoy our Girls Night In events.      

 

 

Gifting for the Love Languages

Gifting for the Love Languages

According to Dr. Gary Chapman, we all have a “love tank” inside of us. When the love tank is full, we feel connected, supported, and secure. When the love tank is empty, we feel disconnected, alone, and insecure. But how do you fill someone else’s love tank? You learn what their love language is and you use it to communicate how much they mean to you. It’s equally important that you understand your own love language. This way, you will know how to communicate to your loved ones what it is that you need to feel appreciated and secure.  

But what if their language is different from yours? Or perhaps you don’t exactly know what to do with the information? These concerns can create unnecessary stress when it comes time to acknowledge them with a gift or expression of love. No one needs MORE stress in their life. That’s why we’ve used the 5 Love Languages to curate a gift guide that is intentional and reflects each of the languages uniquely. 

 

Words of Affirmation

 

People with this as their top love language need words to help them feel loved. Choose gifts that make statements and show that you recognize an important aspect of them. 

Gift Ideas: 

ThoughtFull Pop-Open Cards- Each of these themed boxes come with 30 unique quotes. Stash them throughout their belongings to create a fun and unexpected surprise. Popping open the card is super satisfying and their small size makes them perfect to carry in your pocket or bag. 

Write Now Journals- These journals have beautiful and inspirational quotes on the cover and throughout the pages. A lover of words will surely appreciate the ability to keep their own words close by while being inspired by iconic quotes and poems. 

 

Physical Touch

 

The Touch love language is about the physical sensation that comes from a meaningful connection. Pick textural gifts that evoke a strong touch memory of you. 

Gift Ideas: 

Shawls/ Wraps/Blankets/Pillows- The key here is to find items that have a distinct texture and relate to something they already love. If they love to read in their favorite chair, perhaps a cozy shawl or wrap would be nice. If they love to Netflix and relax – a breathable blanket with some weight can help them unwind, if they’ve recently experienced a significant transition in their life, a weighted heart pillow can provide comfort in times of need. 

Sacred Heart Stones – These little trinkets are perfect for a pocket and can easily be retrieved and rubbed with their thumb when they miss you or need to feel comforted. 

 

Quality Time

 

QT people need you to make time for them. Gift them items that come with a follow-up event or date. 

Gift Ideas:

Yoga/meditation supplies + classes: a new yoga mat or bag, perhaps an eye pillow. Commit to attending a class with them by purchasing a class pass in advance. 

Books + discussion- Books are great for self-care but you can show your loved ones that you care by reading the same book and making time for discussion. Think about books that reflect their interests or will strengthen your relationship: The Mindful Couple, Awakened Relating, or The Untethered Soul. 

 

Acts of Service

 

Acts of Service speakers feel loved when you do something nice for them that makes their life easier or better. Think about gifts that will enhance their goals or free up their schedule so that they can pursue the things they really enjoy. 

Gift ideas: 

Wellness Kits:  Has your loved one been sick? Are they hoping to get healthy in the new year? Gift them a hand-curated wellness kit, complete with bath bombs, handmade soaps, reusable water bottles, wellness patches, etc. 

Prompted Journaling- Journaling is incredibly rewarding but busy people may find it to be a chore. Help them reap the benefits of journaling by gifting them a prompted journal such as Calm the Chaos,   I am here now, or 52 Weeks of Gratitude.

 

Receiving Gifts

 

This language may seem like the easiest one but in fact, can be the most stressful. Gifters are usually excellent at gifting meaningful items to their loved ones so you may feel pressure to make the same kind of effort. The key here is to take note of what brings them joy. Big or small, a meaningful gift will go a long way with this love language. 

Gift Ideas:

Unique Finds: trendsetters love a unique find. Think jewelry with a story such as a Mala prayer necklace or a stone bracelet charged in a Sedona energy vortex. 

Conscious Living- Think about items that do good in the world: reusable paper towels, glass water bottles, or fair-trade items such as bags and rugs. 

Holistic and Mindful Living: gift items that will help them with their practice such as a singing bowl, meditation chime, or a crystal grid.

 

 

Take the FREE Love Language Quiz here

All of the above-mentioned gift ideas can be found at the Butterfly House retail shop. Visit us on Tu-Friday from 10 am – 5 pm or email mary@mindbodyalign.com to have a custom gift package put together for you. 

 

Upcoming Event

Girls Night In: 

The Power of Self-Compassion

February 28th  

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love is a verb

Love is a verb

Some say love is a feeling, but I maintain that love, in fact, is a way of being.

An ancient text* tells us that love is patient and kind. That it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. That love honors others and is not self-seeking or easily angered. That it keeps no record of wrong. This same text tells us that love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. That it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. It tells us that love never fails.

Perhaps you’ve heard this ancient text read at a wedding? It was read at my wedding many years ago… and many others I’ve attended before and since. It is indeed a good recipe for a successful marriage.

A good recipe for living, for being, in the world-at-large

If you take a moment to really consider the definition of love above, you will see that it is filled with actions—being patient and kind, honoring others, delighting in truth and justice, protecting, trusting, hoping, persevering. I read these actions and think, while I’m certainly not perfect, I’m fairly decent at these things, or at least I try my best to be. These are high ideals—ideals I want to work towards.

And yet, this definition is also filled with inaction—holding your tongue, your anger, your envy, and not keeping score or seeking on behalf of self. If I’m transparent with you, that’s a list I need a little more work on. I think of how often I state my opinion when I should hold silent instead. How my anger rises to the surface at a moment’s notice. How I keep account of others’ wrongdoings, but not my own. How I often seek for self, and myself alone. Yes, for certain this is the list that needs some attention in my life.

See, love is an action-word, a verb. Love must be demonstrated; it must be acted out and acted upon. It must guide our actions and the things we say and do. Moreover, love is sometimes an action word requiring inaction, restraint, and self-control. It is a way of being in the world, a way of living life, every day, even (and especially) when it’s hard.

Love in action: be love

When the tiny things grate on our nerves, love is patience and kindness. When we feel our opinion must be heard, love holds it’s tongue and stops self-seeking. When our spouse or friend makes the same mistake (you know, the one you told them really annoys you), love keeps no record of their wrong.

And our love—does it always protect, always trust, always hope, and always persevere?

Those, my friends, are some VERBS—soul-attending, voice-stilling, heart-opening verbs!

In this holiday season ahead perhaps our love could look or “act” differently? Perhaps you can join me on working on these ideals—not as a goal of perfection, but as a way of living out of grace and beauty and compassion? A way of being with others, especially those we espouse to love and serve?

Won’t you let love guide your actions, as well as your inactions?
Won’t you join me in living out love? Acting out of love?
If love indeed is a verb…
let’s be love!

* This ancient text was written two-thousand years ago by the Apostle Paul and appears in the First Letter to the Corinthian Church in The Holy Bible.