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Perfectionism, Rewired.

Perfectionism, Rewired.

In my quest to write a perfect blog, while procrastinating with a slight fear of failing before I even get started, I will review with you a couple of ways to look at perfectionism. And perhaps through exploring those with you, I can help you and me identify some things we can both do to address that BIGG or little piece in each of us that may tend to be a perfectionist.  

The first definition of PERFECTIONIST I looked up is a person who refuses any standard short of perfection. Other definitions linked it to a personality trait or type that strives for flawlessness and setting up high standards, accompanied by being overly critical of themselves and others. There is a connection between perfectionism and a fear of failure, and a need to be accepted.    

I believe one can have high standards without some of the other things that go along with being a perfectionist. Once you have the emotional intelligence to recognize that you have some of the traits or qualities of being a perfectionist, you can work on addressing them for your own good, and the good of people around you, if you choose.  

Many of you know that as a trainer and coach, I am a huge advocate of Gallup’s strengths-based leadership research.  I love the idea that we need to focus on what’s right with people, rather than what is going wrong. This helps me manage perfection.  In looking over Gallup’s 34 top leadership strengths’ “basements,” I found one that has “perfectionism,” and that is the strength called MAXIMIZER. Things like “never good enough” and “always reworking” and “picky” are part of the basement that can happen when you overuse it.  It’s a strength I have that can make me a good coach. One that focuses on mastery, success, excellence, and working with the best. One that couples with my value that everyone can do their best, and everyone’s best can be different and EVERY kind and brand of excellence can be valued and rewarded. I believe people are perfect, not imperfect, just as they are.    

As a coach, how I manage to keep from falling in the basement of “perfectionism” is that I believe in people and think they know how to solve their issues and move forward in their lives. Sometimes it just takes someone believing in them to help them do it. It’s not my job to tell them what they need to do, nor fix them. I honor and applaud their excellence.  

Brene Brown, a well-known research professor, social worker, and five-time #1 New York Times best selling author, would suggest that PERFECTIONISM is a function of shame. Her definition is that perfectionism is a self-destructive belief system that fuels this primary thought – that if I look perfect or do everything perfectly, I avoid or minimize the painful feeling of blame, judgment, and shame.  

It’s destructive because PERFECTION is an unattainable goal.  

It’s getting sucked into proving I could do something versus PAUSING and stepping back and asking if I should do this, or if I want to do this. 

 

I LOVE PAUSING.  

Since my mother’s passing, I have worked a lot on emotional courage – to lean into and feel and identify the emotions I am experiencing, not judge them, but to sit with them and understand them, and explore if other choices could better serve me at some point. What’s the emotion that is behind this feeling of perfection? Am I feeling blame, judgment, or shame? What can I choose to do with it? How can I have a conversation with those I work with or someone who has dropped the ball without blaming, but just to talk about what happened so we can fix it and move on?

 

MOVE ON. LET IT GO.

How can we wade into our discomfort and vulnerability and tell the truth about our own stories, those real stories, those that we are not making up?  Some of the other things that we can do that Brene and I and others may recommend addressing those areas of perfection that don’t serve us include:  

*Say NO, not with an excuse, not with an explanation, just say NO. Set boundaries.

*Talk to ourselves like we would with someone we love. You are human. I am human. We all make mistakes. 

As a leader, I would recommend that you HAVE to make mistakes and be vulnerable in front of other people, especially those you supervise so that they know that they can make mistakes too.  

 

REACH OUT

  • Connect with someone who can respond with empathy and talk to them. Brene Brown suggests that shame cannot survive being spoken. Speak.  
  • Ask for help. Ask for your supervisor to help you prioritize. Quit picking up more work to do because no one else is. Hold people accountable. Give clear and honest feedback to them promptly.   
  • Catch people doing things right- celebrate victories and little or big WINS. Focus on gratitude. THANK people more.  
  • Ask for FEEDBACK from others…and don’t get defensive when you get it. Listen to it. Act on it.  

And my favorite:

  • Be a BADASS and don’t care what people think. Start “settling” a little bit more. Clarifying expectations is important, but you may need to lower expectations and standards …just because you can…and your expectations are not always reasonable or worth it.  

According to Brene Brown, Perfection is the furthest thing from badassery.    

Create Your Tribe: Be Vulnerable

Create Your Tribe: Be Vulnerable

I’m not sure if I chose my tribe or if my tribe chose me, but I’m certain it was a bit of both. I really couldn’t be more fortunate to have the people in my life that I do right now, while also knowing how quickly it can change. Creating my tribe has been the single most important dynamic in my life to date. Of course, I didn’t know this when it was happening, but I do know that I wouldn’t be who I am today without each and every one of them.

As a child, I wanted to grow up to be a psychologist and so… I didn’t do that! But I did earn my bachelors degree in psychology and worked in mental health for ten years. I mostly wanted to help people, and in my early twenties I heard, for the first time, that I had what was called a “servant’s heart”. This is what I’ve found to be the common thread among my tribe members. Most of us serve in some fashion; some in direct care, others in community-building and organizing, and some by taking care of their families.

Fulfillment, self-care, and vulnerability

I’ve determined three essential practices in finding and creating my tribe. When I say it’s come by trial and error, I mean it! So, I’ve narrowed it down to this:

I acknowledge that each person has something different to offer, as I do to them.

I’ve learned that no one friend, or my husband, can be everything I need or fulfill all my wants. Wouldn’t that be a mighty huge task to assign to any one single human being?!

Choose self-care and your tribe will support it.

This is a huge one for me! Some of the earliest and strongest connections I made were with women who, gracefully, showed me self-care. It has taken about 15 years for this concept to settle in, and most of my circle know when to nudge me in the right direction when I’m struggling. One important lesson I’ve learned is to create time whether it be with my children, husband, or friends, and I now know that I can’t give “quality time” until I’ve made sure my soul is. And, perhaps the most beautiful, of the lessons I’ve learned, is the power of ‘No’. I’ve learned when, (not always eloquently) and how, to say no.

This leads me to my humble pie; be a work in progress!

While this seems obvious, it requires a scary amount of vulnerability, which can make it difficult to attempt all the time. And, for anyone that’s ever been burned while practicing such an effort, you know how difficult this is to do. But it’s so important! I really believe that when we stop learning and growing, we begin dying. When you find the right tribe—as with my tribe—you may be able to trust and let your guard down. I want to continue to be a work in progress. When I allow myself to be vulnerable to my tribe, I have access to their wisdom, experience, and knowledge, and just maybe, at the ripe old age of 39, I’m beginning to learn vicariously… maybe.

My career, much like my tribe, has shifted over the years and I now have the privilege of continuing to fulfill my servant’s heart as a Licensed Massage Therapist. Coincidentally, my psychology degree serves me far better in this career than that of a social worker! My tribe has grown, I am incredibly thankful and humbled, and my heart and soul are replenished every day while doing what I love!

I’m looking forward to the many years of finding more tribe members. And, I hope to have the opportunity to give back as much as I’ve received! I deeply believe that we can move mountains; together we can change each other’s world.

“Tell your story. Shout it. Write it. Whisper it if you have to. But tell it. Some won’t understand it. Some will outright reject it, but many will thank you for it. And then the most magical thing will happen. One by one, voices will start whispering, ‘Me, too.’ And your tribe will gather. And you will never feel alone again.”
—L.R. Knost